Grinding Coffee / Grinding Teeth / Grinding My Gears

Those of us blessed with bipolar know that the disease is very complex and can have many manifestations. Some of us with bipolar have some symptoms where as some of us have all. I fortunately have only certain symptoms. Unfortunately, I have them more intense and more frequently than id like. Though I tend to be a more euphoric manic, I have also been cycling with mixed episodes being a buffer in-between mania and depression. I am currently in a agitated state. I have nothing but irritability right now.

Irritability looks like this inside my bipolar world: I am always on the go and I have a mission to succeeded in but every person on the planet is in my way and it is their fault if my plans fail and if they do fail then I should just jump in front of this train and end it all now.

I work in retail (Smart. I know.) and this is where I tend to really assert my irritability. Today I was late to work by ten minutes and while ten minutes is not that big of a problem to most people, to a bipolar Alex suffering from a irritable manic/mixed state it means I will be fired and lose everything I have. After being late I began promptly going on about the morning routines within the store. This includes dusting and mopping and emptying trash and making sure that there are items in stock for the customers and such and I did as I normally should. The problem with being irritable is that the second one customer walks into my beautiful clean store as I’m sipping my coffee in peace, admiring the. Soft grunge music playing I get angry and annoyed. I think to my self, “God Damnit! Why are they in this store? They’re just going to mess everything up and not buy anything!” This is where smart, loving, calm, shy Alex becomes a snooty beyotch. I tend to be, not mean, but snarky and snooty and there are times when I ignore customers. I end up selling about $200 all day and I end up being that bitchy gay guy (with impeccable style) next to the counter with his arms crossed and one hand around his chin glaring at the customers like one Ms. Miranda Priestly in the Devil Wears Prada (IDOL).

The worst part of feeling irritable is the escalation that it can raise my bipolar repercussions. When I get extremely irritable I tend to lash out and say things I normally wouldn’t and do things I normally would thing a couple times about before even acting on. When I get angry I get aggressive and nasty.

Many times have I been in the middle of moments where coworkers told me to switch to “decaf” as if caffeine is my problem. I drink coffee and it doesn’t help but ironically the sound of coffee beans grinding, vacuum cleaners zooming, and car horns going off, sounds affect me negatively and I become hypersensitive to many things when I experience irritability.

Its not switching around coffees that I need to really look into. Its switching around my diet and medications.






Balance- the stability of one’s mind.

This is a check in. I am so sorry that I have been MIA for a while but it seems that when you are a student in the final few months of obtaining your bachelor’s degree while working almost full time and living life on the go non stop, you can feel a little overwhelmed or tired.

Its been crazy for me frankly. Since our last little update, you know the one where I had a crazy Sunday night that I dragged my loved ones into, I have been going through so much. When it comes to life, school and work, are good stressors. They keep me grounded and I try to connive my self that they help me obtain some sort of stability. However, when one of those falter, the others go up in flames as well.


I am doing quite well in school right now. I have one class fully completed with a 90%. Though it was an online course, it involved so much work that I found my self living at the Starbucks downing coffee and writing papers. I am currently grabbing ahold in the rest of my courses as well. I have been having tons of assignments due at all different times but I have been able to crank them out.


As for work, I have been working a lot and working a lot hard. I am one of those people that believes no matter what job one has, they should always hold themselves to a standard of integrity. Because of this, I have been not only working a few more hours to catch up on making some money but whilst at work, I have been trying to really put 110% into everything I do. I like where I work and I love everyone that I work with but I tend to want to be an over worker and I also tend to want to invest a lot emotionally into work just as I do for school no matter how much I am being paid.

Personal Life.

My personal life is awkward. That’s the perfect word to describe it. Awkward.

I have been having a lot of fun which is great… but I have nothing to show for it. When it comes to love and sex, normal Alex tends to be very chill about it. I tend to take things very slow, and I actually end up being the typical shy and kind soft spoken cancer that Cosmo says a cancer guy is supposed to be. I want a guy who’s also kind and chill and loves having a fun time. When ever manic Alex enters stage left, I tend to want a relationship hard and fast. Like Porn but if the guys love each other or something,

My personal life has been this exact way. I haven’t been having a well enough relationship with my friends as I have just been busy when they aren’t and they are buys when I am not yadda yadda, and this is something that my therapist and I have been working on.

When it comes to bipolar disorder, those suffering with it tend to have major relationship issues. Not only are there issues within romantic relationships but also within family and friends.  Originally this is what I sought treatment for way back in 2015 when I first met with a therapist through school once coming down from a manic episode only I hadn’t known what mania or bipolar was to me and how I was one guy in Chicago living with the disorder that was both a curse and a blessing.

Bipolar Me.

Bipolar me is a scary person at times. “Brilliant. But Scary”, to quote one Ronald Weasly, Harry Potter.

I have bene having a mix of medication issues as well as rapid cycling issues du to many factor within my life. Some of those factors are diet, sleep, stress, and medication compliance.


My diet is terrible. I tend to not eat enough during the day. Someone one of my physical stature (6’2, 230lbs, 27 years old) should be eating over two-thousand calories a day. I eat, on average, nearly eight-hundred calories a day hence my diet turning me into a constant hangry beyotch. This causes my blood sugar to plummet as my. Mood is shifted, usually, into a depressive episode or an irritable manic state.

As far as drugs and alcohol…. I’ve been sober for a few weeks now with the exception of one drink about 9 days ago.


I am a workaholic. This is a term in the 90’s that was especially used to express someone’s strong work ethic. Workaholism is standard now. Everyone has work going on all the time. With phones we’ve become a country that may leave the office but bring the office with them everywhere they go. I am one of those people. Lately my sleep has been that of non existent or too much so you can imagine how my circadian rhythm is affecting my mood.

Though I work hard, I see my school career in the same professional manner that I do looking at a job. With that being said a school project will take a long time and require a whole lot of mental and psychical work. This is when I tend to go off my meds and pull all nighters that last a few days. This causes me to not sleep and then induce a manic episode which is why my therapist and I have been trying to get my +2 and -2 to an even 0.


Lets just say it. I’m stressed. I’m stressed with good stressors and I’m stressed with bad stressors. I divide my life’s stress into two categories. Good stress is your typical worries that improve your life. For me a good stressor is school. I love school because as much as I hate my classmates and half the time find my self surrounded by pseudo-intellectual teachers, I find it a place where I can be my best professional self. Though I love school and take it seriously, that integrity has gotten me into some mental health trouble. I mean getting depressed and suicidal when school doesn’t work out for me and shooting up into a manic episode when school gives me that thrust of live.

There is also bad stressors. I am having a lot of bad stressors in my life right now due mainly to my bipolar disorder. I am in a significant amount of credit card debt because of my mental health issues and because of the symptoms of mania. I tend to be a manic spender. I buy things that tend to be useless but costly. I start collecting and in a way hoarding. Though I am not a hoarder, I currently have over a hundred bottles of fragrance at home. All of which were purchased at higher times in my life.

Medication compliance.

Medication compliance is really my “Dr. Jekyll/Mr. Hyde” moment. As a guy with an addiction to my manic episodes, I tend to stop taking my medications. I usually do this with all good intentions but I realize after the fact that this was a mistake and I end up hating my self all because the ruin my life is left in.

When it comes to medication there is a mix of factors that I tend to inherently fall upon. The first factor is that I am tired. Because I am tired, I tend to not have the energy or will to even get up off the couch or out of bed to swallow a bunch of pills. This is bad because I want to take medication but I tend to not have the energy. Its not laziness. It is pure exhaustion. What happens next is that my mania kicks in from the lack of sleep or the energy that a normal night’s sleep has given me and I tend to not want to pop my pills because my manic self is too busy doing other things to even think about taking medication.

The next factor in my medication compliance is, again, diet. A lot of my medications have to be taken on a full stomach. Have you ever taken Lithium on an empty stomach? Yuck. Because I have a diagnosed eating disorder, I tend to not eat when I need to take medication. What this does in turn is make me not want to take my meds because I don’t want to eat. See how that works now?

Finally, when it comes to medication compliance, I am addicted to my mania. Yes I love being manic. Anyone with bipolar knows that the disease has many manifestations. Some people have a more severe and dysfunctional form of bipolar where as I like to think that I have the good stuff. Sure, I tend to mess up my life in certain ways and make really bad decisions like getting married to a stranger on Christmas eve, Get hit by taxi cabs twice, loose my virginity after a funeral right before watching someone kill themselves, and hurting/being hurt by a whole lot of guys when falling in and out of manic love with them.  I have the type of bipolar that for a brief moment, I can make it work for me. My Hypo-mania, or what I call a +1, tends to be my moment of bliss, I feel great about life and everything is great. Its where I start ramping up to a +2 that I loose control and of course the drop from the sky known as depression.

I am addicted to the rush of life that I get from being manic. My mania has been acting a little different lately. Because I am on a cocktail of meds that are actually rather effective, my mood has been shifting much quicker. I have been at a +2 and -2 all in one day where as before it would take a few weeks to ramp up to a +2 or fall to a -2. My mood is all over the place right now and I have been having moments that look like mixed mood episodes involving irritability, crying spells, psycho-motor agitation and even moments of euphoria followed by plummeting anger.

My life is in an awkward place right now. School (my life for the last three years) and retail (my life for the last ten years) are coming to a transitional end and although I see my self in a much better life balance in a year from now, I do worry about the changes. While working on school, work, sobriety, mood episode, body image, and overall health, I know that that this awkward time in my life is a definite cause for the imbalance of positives and negative on my mood chart.

Hopefully this is helpful to some of you out there. I know I had some epiphanies whilst writing this.



Get ready.

Hey everyone!

So sorry about the long wait.

I have been writing a whole lot more but haven’t been able to upload due to lack of internet right now as well as getting a new used MacBook. I’ve been super busy with work and school.

Stay tuned for there will be some stories on me vs. irritability as well as an update on my mood over all the past few weeks and what’s driving that!



Finding Normal

I hate the word Normal. Though many of us strive to be considered “normal”, I believe that my version of normal is never going to be the same as someone else’s. I have become well aware that no matter how hard I try to minimize the crazy in my life, I will always have this bipolar bug inside me. Its part of who I am and I sit here typing this knowing that I am bipolar. My question is does the “normal” me have to be the “real” me?

Last week whilst taking my medication and trying to be a model citizen living with bipolar disorder, I under went a touch of the fiery mania. I was eating about one small meal a day on some days and as far as sleep was concerned: I was only getting an hour or two on some nights. I went out and partied and even maniacally thought that I would give up drinking in hopes of loosing weight. I had the usual spending splurges and sex galore and even tried making new friends on the hunt for a the big R word. … Relationship.


Sunday Bloody Sunday

All this ended at its height on Sunday night and into Monday morning. Sunday I was feeling euphoric and though I had felt like I was ramping up even higher I decided to meet my friend to exchange our Christmas gifts. I laugh at the irony now but we met in Boystown right out front of Steam Works here in Chicago. I had left work and my outfit was terrible. I was wearing wellington boots, Black skinny jeans, a grey t-shirt (my normal uniform), and I had on this obnoxious white down coat that comes to my mid knee. I looked like a wealthy homeless person as I stood there in front of Steam Works. With shopping bag in hand we exchanged gifts and as I admired the adorable package (on the GIFT not my friend!) I almost began to weep as my heart sank in awe of what he had bought me.

The gift was perfect. It was heartfelt and touched me and instead of crying I exclaimed “Lets have a drink!”. We walked into our Sunday go to spot: Roscoe’s. While we entered the bar we could see that the entire bar was packed with people and holiday festivities such as ugly fucking sweaters and Christmas music playing. With the usual one-dollar Miller Lites in hand, my friend and I began talking about his upcoming birthday celebrations ant stuff like that. Though it was only four-o-clock in the afternoon, I began to feel even more amazing as there were a ton of hotties there. I thought that this would be the time and place that I would end this quest for love.

One beer after another I decided to let my friend and the cutie he had been seeing at one point rekindle their flame as I decided to mingle and find Prince Charming as I only had till midnight or my last Metra to my home in the burbs would turn back into a pumpkin and I would be stuck in the city having to fend for myself and my shopping back of stuff that I had just bought. I met a few friends and wished another a happy birthday as I threw a ten dollar bill at him and insisted that was my gift to him. I immediately ran to check my coat as I had caught a case of the dance fever. Throwing my coat and bag at the coat checking cutie, I decided to run all the way to the dance floor and launch my self like ten lords a-leaping onto the stage and began to dance as if I was Ms. Britney Spears herself. Catching the eye of one cutie sitting there as his other two friends danced I decided to make out with him and I don’t really remember anything about him other than he felt like soft cotton and smelled of Burberry London cologne.

He got bored in my manic brain so I went onto meet more people and at one point signed up to win tickets to a Kesha concert via a Kiss FM booth that was set up. (Ironically I didn’t win but the friend who I threw ten dollars at did.) After dancing and deciding that I would spend the whole night partying, I realized that it was midnight and time for me to move on to better things.

My friend and I kissed each other farewell as we parted ways and I immediately felt the alcohol, medication, 1.5 hours of sleep, and mania stir like a potion in my empty stomach as I began to felt sick. I got an uber and after about a mile I asked for him to let me out as I felt like I was going to be sick. After he left I stood there as my whole manic world went from spinning to black and I threw up the few beers that I had. I sat there on the cold sidewalk feeling the worst in myself and after about thirty minute of me thinking I could recover and walk my self to shelter from the cold and windy city, I gave up.

I wanted to kill myself. I wanted to end everything right there. I felt defeated and terrible as a person. I thought that I had become a lonely burden that couldn’t ever have a relationship that worked well…. Not even with food. That’s where I decided to call my mom and ask her to pick me up. At this point I didn’t care what happened next. I sat there for about twenty more minutes and as people walked past and asked if I was ok, I exclaimed, “Yes! Just chilling!” which was ironic as it was around twenty degrees out that night.

I got up and decided to “go to safety” as that time of night. I grabbed a cab to the Starbucks on North Ave. and Wells as I knew that they were open twenty-four hours. As I thanked the cab driver and swiped my car the little machine had blared in red lettering and a loud sound. “DECLINED” was all I aw as I panicked.  All I had was four singles in my pocket and as I continued to keep swiping my card the cab driver got angry and I gave him the four dollars and as he began yelling at me I yelled, “You’re lucky I don’t have you deported!” and he drove off as if I held a gun to him. It was me alone and broke with nothing. I was standing there as an even lower version of myself until the brilliant idea popped into my head that I could bother my aunt and start calling her. It  was very late in the night but she was kind enough to allow me to wait at her apartment on the Gold Coast as I waited for my mom to pick me up.

I got to her apartment and my uncle had greeted me downstairs and I just remember having to reveal that this was not the real me and I had to apologize that I am not always this out of control.  I had also had to explain that I was having issues with my medication. And my aunt had stated that the drugs can become resilient and that having a little bit of alcohol with them was bad too. My uncle made me a sandwich and she tried to question my manic and slightly disoriented self about what was happening.

My sister got there with my mom and and she came into talk to my aunt and catch up and as I got into the car, I fell asleep and woke up a couple hours later for my Monday morning work day.


The Fallout

Monday after was awkward. I was crashed and though I just welt a little nauses from he alcohol and empty stomach/medication issue, I went to work early then I went to  my therapist office to explain how my week over all had gone.

I felt ashamed as there have been two things that my therapist has kind of been asking me about lately. What was my mood like for the past week? And What was my eating like for the past week?

Both of these questions brought me shame. I had been manic all week. I had been not sleeping, working on school work, yelling at the people at the phone store over my cracked iPhone screen, and sleeping with people left and right. I had also been eating around four-hudred calories a day on average and though my medication compliance was great, I was broke and felt empty.

After working together she helped me realize that I do blame myself a whole lot for what I do when I am manic and although I know that I have to hold my self accountable, I have realized that my manic self is not me.

If this is the case then who am I?

The Manic Alex is everyone’s favourite. He’s fun, he’s silly and tells jokes, hell sleep with everyone, hell become super creative and fight for what he wants. These sound like all great things but the manic Alex always lights a match to the gasoline that is my life.

I have finally level back to myself and I like the REAL me. Yes I have no money and messed up with my family and some of those around me and I can tell you all right now that I can never walk into the Sprint Store, but I am content with things. I don’t feel like my brain is on fire. Every just is.

Right now I don’t want to be my manic self. I love him but like some things we love, I need to let manic Alex go.  My therapist and I made manic Alex a name. Though I call him Mr. Hyde, His real name is Oliver. Oliver I named after Oliver Twist. Oliver likes an adventure no matter what he has to do for it. He always looks tired and gaunt and doesn’t eat. He also lives a life that is controlled by other forces around  him. Though I love the name Oliver, I am not him. I am Alex. I am a kind, caring, down to earth, quiet, guy next door who loves animals and cuddling. While I sit here in my own realization on who am I am and who I want to be I come to the even bigger realization that I am lonely. I don’t want partners just for sex. I want to find friends and relationships (that R word again), and wholesome good things. I want to spend time with my family and create family or family life with someone.

I write this as something that I can look back at the next time I start to feel that little manic mist covering my skin.

Life goes on but one day it stops. I need to start thinking of what I have to go for and what Ill have when it stops.




‘Tis Autumn and I am not Dead.

“Where have you been? What have you been up to? What has ben going on with you? You look so thin!”


I know you all have many questions for me. I am ok.

Its been quite a while since last time we met. T’was the third of May and I worked with NASA (or so I thought) to create a blog post about wanting to be manic.

I recall bitching about not being able to make myself manic and sometimes actually having my mania back firing on me.  That was the theme of the entire summer.

This summer was long. I worked a lot, Completed a whole lot of school work, and dealt with the out of left field mood swing. Mania is a part of me and I realize and have coped with that and I know that depression is there too. This summer I was manic. This summer I was depressed. This summer I was a mess.

Since that last post I have started a new job working in a store on Chicago’s Gold Coast / Viagra Triangle. I love the job. In all my many years of retail that job has ben my favourite. Sooo… anyway. I manically got the job and am good with it. I also messed up a few of my classes and though I passed them with A’s it was by the skin of my chinny chin chin because I was a little party monster. This led to be a crashing depression. After not seeing my psychiatrist and avoiding him with all of my daddy issues I went off my meds and it was time for a tune up.

Depressed and lonely sitting in the office with his new resident, my doctor tried to understand why I love my mania so much. I again had to describe that its amazing Life feels amazing. I do stupid stuff and don’t care. That is until the depression. The summer ended wrapping around me like a condom blocking all the fun as the could of depression turned me into a fucking dementor (Harry Potter joke).

I had a lot of health issues. I turned a little bit older this summer and I became depressed, tired, and in pain. I also had some dental issues. I was genetically cursed with terrible teeth and all they have done was caused me pain and a whole lot of draining my bank account. What happened was one of my teeth shifted and caused one of my molars to crack and it caused a shit load of pain. My face hurt, my head hurt, my neck and shoulders hurt. I couldn’t handle the pain any more so I went to the hospital and explained that not only was I in a lot of pain but I had the worst migraine in the world. This is where I took my first pain killer.

FLASH BACK to my poor dad. My dad was a kind hearted loving guy who suffered from a lot of back pain. He was a brilliant chef and though he was a good person he became addicted to pills and alcohol. This caused me to never want to take any thing for pain or even drink. This was my mentality until I was in pain and mentally ill.

The doctor prescribed me a pain killer and with that I was in a new world of medication. You see I have been around the block with all the mood stabilizers and benzos and all those. I slept with all kinds of cute little pills. But pain killers were new to me. I never understood why people liked them. I was also an antibiotic.

I went back to my doctor and that’s where my tune up took place. Him and his resident (Love her. She’s going to be a wonderful MD) prescribed me my new cocktail.

Lithium: 600MG in the morning and 900MG at bedtime.

Klonopin: I honestly cant remember the dose.

Gabapentin: 900MG at bedtime (or as needed).


Add those to some painkillers and antibiotics and you can only imagine what I would be like.


This was my cocktail for a while and I started to become really depressed. I didn’t know who I was. I was spending a lot of time at home and I wasn’t sure who If this was depressed Alex, Manic Alex, New Found Addict Alex, or the real me. It was scary.

After a few weeks of becoming my father and drinking and popping pills while watching the Valley of the Dolls (ironic) I was smacked in the face with the bright idea that I wasn’t going to take any more pills. That’s when I went off the meds again and, drum roll, I was manic.

Mania was fun. I was going out to bars and drinking around work and school and I didn’t need any sleep. I was skipping classes, and singing and dancing, laughing out loud and playing the piano. LIFE WAS ME AND I WAS LIFE.

I stopped seeing my therapist at the other place I was seeing them because between you guys and me: they were not that great. I currently go to a very prestigious hospital campus that houses one of the best mental health clinics around and its great because they take my insurance and they have a sliding pay scale.

My new therapist is an Angel. That’s what I call her because I don’t hate her yet… Angel. She is able to help me and talk me through Bipolar Disorder in a clinical way that does make me sound like I’m crazy but like I am some one that suffers from a neuro-psychological disorder.

I am writing this today because I am some one living with bipolar who has accepted that I am not in control of it nor do I wasn’t to let go of the manic episodes.

I am currently on Lithium and taking the Gabapentin as needed but on a very specific basis since I began taking it recreationally. (It’s a really great high). I am taking my medication accordingly and though I still have manic bursts like last night (Britney Spears Night in Boystown and then Jackhammer (Us Gays)) I am focusing on school and the things in my life causing the bipolar to be so controlling. I am also experiencing the real Alex for the first time in white a while and I am actually kind of digging him.

Today, However, I had  a serious talk with my therapist about an issue that I have kept a secret to many and that I talked about once to another therapist but it was dismissed by them.

Life is full of my people and every one is different in many different ways. I however am very different. In many ways my differences have only made me stronger and see the world in a different way. I am gay, bipolar, boyish looking at times, tall, and fashionable. I am also “fat”.

It feels great to write this. I feel liberated. People wouldn’t bet that I had an eating disorder because I do have some pounds on my that are caused form my eating disorder. But yes. I have an eating disorder and my relationship with food is hideous.

If you would like to hear more about my eating issues respond or shoot me a message and I will go more in depth. But I have found that approaching thirty is causing me to grow up and sort my life out sooner than later.

I hope all of you are doing well and I send my well wishes to you. Have a great holiday!



Cruel Summer

This was a post that I wrote in the beginning of Summer and it was meant to be posted but as my life derailed I neglected a lot.


So it’s Wednesday, and it’s raining here in Chicago. My summer session of school has just started this week and after a very stressful and agonizing three weeks off, I don’t feel the manic excitement I usually do when it comes to being back in an academic environment. Not only have I not been interested in anything but I have also not wanted to write.

I recently went off my meds anticipating a manic high and, of course, it backfired on me and here I am in a slight depression. The numbness has really taken full force. Not only has my diet become a base of coffee and mood stabilizers, but I don’t know what to do with my life. I am sitting here in an empty and dark cave like classroom by myself, wondering, “What now?”

Usually I am a man on the go a man on the go with a mission. This has been suppressed. Everything is just… well it’s just “is”. I have fallen into a level of life acceptance that has become just unmanageable. Everything is just “not worth it”. This is a new depression for me. Usually my depressions are the opposite of what this looks like. Usually I eat a lot more and sleep a lot more and I tend to worry and cry but this depression is the opposite. Im in this state of disassociation where its just me alone in my own head and everything else moving as if reality is parallel to me that inside my brain. …


So it’s a couple weeks later and I feel amazing. I couldn’t spare the energy to finish that blog. I was in so much pain and so exhausted that I couldn’t read or type another word.

After living through the depression hell that I had been living through for the last two weeks, work was the last place I thought I would elevate my mood. Tonight, Thursday, I left work and on the way to the bus stop I felt this sudden breeze that lifted my wings that is the mood levels in my brain. I have been going through a ton of different mood changes but over all I have been depressed but there is just something about that fucking wind that makes me want to dance. I don’t feel like killing my self tomorrow on my birthday. I guess my birthday gift to myself is the option to live the rest of my life.

Anyway, onto the bus… I danced my self to the bus stop on Michigan Avenue to get to the train home. As I hopped on the bus, I became enraged with life as I began talking to this guy and flirting with him. He was adorable. Six feet tall, Brown hair, blue eyes, and a boy next door look. Cute jewish guy next door is my type and this guy was everything that consists of. I couldn’t help myself. I began talking to him and found his name to be Josh. Josh smiled and continued conversation with me as I explained to him that this was actually my first time taking this bus route. He welcomed me.

OMG! “Learning to Fly” by Tom Petty is playing and this is my shit.

Anyway, After fucking josh in my head and dancing a linguistic paseduoble with him, I hopped off the bus and ran to Union Station. I missed my train but that was ok because that meant that I could hit up the bar there before having to head home. At the bar I decided to have a double Vodka- Lemonade and begin writing my mission statement for my business idea for one of my Visual Merchandising classes. I decided to create an apothecary and it will be themed from a London Subway. More on that later. So at the bar as I was typing away, I decided to have a drink and get my work done.

The point to my story here is that I feel amazing! I finally dug myself out of this depression that I was in for the last few weeks and I’m so happy.

I finally can live and be happy. I feel like now I have the energy to continue working on my homework tonight and finally get my laundry done. I also have to design my logo for this class tomorrow. I have a full day of school and then work and then I am going out to see my friends. I really need a long night of boystown bars in my life right now.

Roscoe’s is where I usually have my fun followed by Hydrate. If you’re in Chicago: you are invited!

Hopefully there will be more to write about but I will be “out of the office” until Sunday night or Monday afternoon as I have a full week planned with school, work, and the resurrection of my social life.





Failure to Launch

Well… My doctor recently diagnosed me as  rapid cycling which doesn’t really surprise me because my mood shifts like the wind. You see this little rapid cycling came about after I went through a depression and my doctor prescribed me bupropion. So what happened?

Bupropion is ad anti-depressant that also helps smokers quit. it is always a risk for bipolar patients to go manic but when you give them an anti-depressant it can shoot them from the deepest of depressions into the highest of manic episodes. I was fortunate enoough to catch this. My doctor had me come in for a check up and he could tell I was manic. I had gone wandering off into the woods one night and become extremely paranoid that the Feds were going to find me and take me away. Usually my mania is great but that was not my proudest moment. So… he cut me off of the anti-depressant and upped my Lithium. 

Anyway, the whole point of my stupid little story is that I LOVED every minute of the mania. After being depressed for so long, I wanted nothing more than to feel the warmth and vitamin like energy that came with mania. Forgetting that I was rapid cycling I drank a whole lot of coffe and tied to induce the mania but I only made my self really really really irritable. 

Right now I reached a small moment of hypo-manic bliss and I decided to talk about how it feels to want mania more than anything only to not get it.  Thus verifying that the Brain controls mania. 

I try everything. I go off my meds or play around with my meds which I know is totally stupid but I crave the manic highs. I will also drink a ton of coffee hopeing that my mania will kick in any moment. But it doesn’t. I end up being rapidly irritable or depressed which is the worst thing ever! No one wants to be a douchebag but when I am in hopes of going manic, my attempts make me a total dick and everyone ends up hating me and that everyone ends up including me. 

I am addicted to my mania  and I totally accept that. In fact I am totally cool with it. Now I know that to most people “that makes me a bad person.” But really I am not. If you have bipolar disorder then you can totally understand why one would rather be manic than depressed. I also love it because I become uber creative and outgoing. People always love manic Alex. They just do. As soon as that manic Alex becomes depressed, he looses his friends. 

I also love the Mr. Hyde version of myself because I become hyper sexual. Who doesn’t want that?

Either way, Manic Alex, or Mr. Hyde, as my dating profiles may say has a whole different experience to life and I prefer it. I love that feeling of the wind on Lake Shore Drive dancing with me. I love gigleing and laughing at every thing. I love finding the most innocent of things fucking hilarious. Life is vibrant, colorful, flavorful, and all of my senses become super heightened and intense. I love.  Mania. I love. life. I love being on Mars, On Venus, on the Moon and I love being the god that Mr. Hyde becomes. 

From a hypo-manic Alex, 
That is all.