Carnal Knowledge

Here we go…

One of the least talked about Bipolar Mania symptoms is hyper-sexuality. One of the first signs of hypo-mania / mania for me is hyper-sexuality. Normally, being a gay guy makes me more prone to promiscuity. I am a pro-sex person. I believe sex is amazing and I think that there is too much slut-shaming in society but I tend to let it fuck things up when I go manic.

Normally, sex is great but when I am manic, sex is amazing and unlimited. Once when manic, I had sex with three different guys in one day. Now I am no angel, but the moment that sex becomes a problem is when it interferes with reality and the overall main goal in life. The fact that I left a class to meet a guy a few floors up to fool around with was not just stupid but I would find out that the guy was married. I still see the guy around town and as he winks at me, I look away knowing that he’s being dishonest. That is something I have a huge issue with.

The semantics around having manic sex is one thing but the actual sex is amazing. When I am manic I won’t just sleep with men. I have made out with women in bars, men in bars, men on the L trains, in a public bathroom, in an alley. I have made out / slept with people all over the place.

The sex when manic is amplified to the highest degree imaginable. When I am manic, I am silly, excited, and child like when it comes to my lust for life. I am kinky and open to different things, sexually, when I am manic. When I am ramping up I start finding the guy I am with to be amazing in every way. When were kissing all i can think about is being in his bed learning everything about him and wanting to form a life with him. It feels like a nerd trying to download the newest marvel movie trailer with slow internet speed.

The issues that I take with hyper-sexuality also tend to risky business. I have been all kinds of crazy when manic and that crazy had a lot of sex. With the sex came the fall out of the riskiness involved. Having to get tested, break up with guys I had told I liked, and even loosing some of my favorite sweaters (among other clothing) were just a few of the things that I had to worry about. The long walks of shame gave me a lot to remorse about. I think that the American version of Showtime’s Shameless shows this really well. Ian, who is gay and bipolar, has hyper sexuality during his manic bouts. I can relate to Ian a lot.

I had lost my virginity when I was manic. It was unplanned and it was with some one that I liked a lot but wasn’t in love with. Though I had all kinds of sexual escapades prior in my life, it was with this guy and a whole lot of mania that I decided was time to connect a a different level. My innocence was completely gone. Of course it didn’t help that hours after loosing my V-card, I had witness a guy jump out of a window and fall to his death fifty feet in front of me. I had a lot to talk about in therapy that day.

Sex is amazing and I think we should all go out there and do it. Dealing with the bipolar part of me has made me question sexuality. I have found that as much as I love sex, I should’t feel as guilty about it.

Hyper-sexuality is just a little gift that comes along with the bipolar disorder and I don’t think that I would exchange it for anything else. I have “met” a lot of great guys through my manic sexcapades, and I still value them in my life through experiences or friendship to this day. Non-manic Alex still tries to make what happened some-what of value. With my guilty conscious I try to always make up for the sex that I had.

Sex is great. Bipolar makes the life cloudy, however sometimes, I like to live with my head in the clouds.

xoxo

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2 thoughts on “Carnal Knowledge

  1. Eddy says:

    I can relate with this so much. I was recently told by my therapist that I had some mental disorder (I shall share in my later posts) where I put myself in those types of sexual situations. Good post.

    Liked by 1 person

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