Failure to Launch

Well… My doctor recently diagnosed me as  rapid cycling which doesn’t really surprise me because my mood shifts like the wind. You see this little rapid cycling came about after I went through a depression and my doctor prescribed me bupropion. So what happened?

Bupropion is ad anti-depressant that also helps smokers quit. it is always a risk for bipolar patients to go manic but when you give them an anti-depressant it can shoot them from the deepest of depressions into the highest of manic episodes. I was fortunate enoough to catch this. My doctor had me come in for a check up and he could tell I was manic. I had gone wandering off into the woods one night and become extremely paranoid that the Feds were going to find me and take me away. Usually my mania is great but that was not my proudest moment. So… he cut me off of the anti-depressant and upped my Lithium. 

Anyway, the whole point of my stupid little story is that I LOVED every minute of the mania. After being depressed for so long, I wanted nothing more than to feel the warmth and vitamin like energy that came with mania. Forgetting that I was rapid cycling I drank a whole lot of coffe and tied to induce the mania but I only made my self really really really irritable. 

Right now I reached a small moment of hypo-manic bliss and I decided to talk about how it feels to want mania more than anything only to not get it.  Thus verifying that the Brain controls mania. 

I try everything. I go off my meds or play around with my meds which I know is totally stupid but I crave the manic highs. I will also drink a ton of coffee hopeing that my mania will kick in any moment. But it doesn’t. I end up being rapidly irritable or depressed which is the worst thing ever! No one wants to be a douchebag but when I am in hopes of going manic, my attempts make me a total dick and everyone ends up hating me and that everyone ends up including me. 

I am addicted to my mania  and I totally accept that. In fact I am totally cool with it. Now I know that to most people “that makes me a bad person.” But really I am not. If you have bipolar disorder then you can totally understand why one would rather be manic than depressed. I also love it because I become uber creative and outgoing. People always love manic Alex. They just do. As soon as that manic Alex becomes depressed, he looses his friends. 

I also love the Mr. Hyde version of myself because I become hyper sexual. Who doesn’t want that?

Either way, Manic Alex, or Mr. Hyde, as my dating profiles may say has a whole different experience to life and I prefer it. I love that feeling of the wind on Lake Shore Drive dancing with me. I love gigleing and laughing at every thing. I love finding the most innocent of things fucking hilarious. Life is vibrant, colorful, flavorful, and all of my senses become super heightened and intense. I love.  Mania. I love. life. I love being on Mars, On Venus, on the Moon and I love being the god that Mr. Hyde becomes. 

From a hypo-manic Alex, 
That is all.



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